What is Success?

I had a family member who knows my past successes academically and in my career say to me, “Are the meds really helping you or it seems that you have gone down hill since you have been on them” . . . . . . While I did achieve

a 3.9 GPA in college and graduate Summa Cum Laude, while I did move across the country finding new adventures, while I did have my dream job and was promoted in it and started writing and giving presentations, I still felt empty inside. . . . . I would go through these high mania phases which had its own problems but I could usually work through it and it didn’t last as long as the deep dark depressions.

Despite all the successes I would have depression lasting for months. The bouts of depression may not have completely crippled me but not only did I feel flat, unhappy, cry myself to sleep if I had enough energy to cry, and even have some suicidal thoughts, I also struggled to keep up with basic things like keeping up with showering, cooking meals and eating healthy, and being on time to places. My work and my personality was appreciated and loved so that I could get away with little things. However, being late to everything put extra stress on me as well as receiving the occasional corrective conversations with my bosses. I would blame it on work but the truth was I would be so depressed and tired that I could not keep up a social life. All I had was my work.

Through the help of a counselor, I began to see just how poor my quality of life was and I didn’t have to live like that. I had worked incredibly hard to be on as little medication as possible. I had for years tried I lived in denial of my diagnosis and tried many therapy techniques with little to no success. It was time to try medication. Finding the right medication(s) for a mental health disorder can be very challenging and I was no exception. I had to go on medical leave because my symptoms became so bad I could not work, I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation (never had a plan but couldn’t stop the thoughts). I had many nasty side effects as I tried different meds. I resigned from my job when my medical leave was up since I wasn’t ready to go back to full time work, I have still made progress.

While it may seem like my life has fallen apart It is actually coming together. I am just at the beginning of an adventure without depression ruling my life. I am more free to enter into healthy relationships both friendships and maybe a romantic relationship. Having this new found freedom is worth the sacrifice. I will get another job someday. But today I am enjoying and celebrating this opportunity to recreate a healthy version of me.

Takeaways

• Medication can be a good thing

• Medication can tak time to figure out

• Life is not always as it seems and what is seen on the outside may not be true on the inside

• Don't let others perceptions define what is healthy for you